Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
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ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.