Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.