The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
This is true.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.