Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
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People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts