*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
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Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente