Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
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Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I think I’ll stand
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?