WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
You Might Also Like
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms