Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
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Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”