[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
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[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
But I really needed water water water
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls