It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
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Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef