Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.