5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Mmmm canned fish.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.