has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
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Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
12. I think about this all the damn time
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Omg 🤣
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.