any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
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I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”