Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
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If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.