When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
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bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!