[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
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I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Lube but for my dry humor.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.