Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
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Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.