Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
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#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
The booster protects against what, now?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.