not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
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Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
They grow up so quick
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
“That’s what” – She
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’