I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Spa day..😅
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.