Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
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My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I like long walks away from everyone
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
These dogs look like they have good credit.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.