I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
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I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Sponch
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.