To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
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My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.