The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock