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Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.