My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
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Realize this:
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.