The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
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Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Smallpox sounds so adorable
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo