When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
You Might Also Like
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.