I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years