fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
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The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here