This did not end as expected.
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My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
She: I like Cats
He:
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”