suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
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My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
The 4 stages of a family vacation
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
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omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
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[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
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“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok