Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
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I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down