this… may be the greatest story ever told
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When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
ACED my prostate exam!
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
this could fix me
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*