Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
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obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health