Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
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Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”