When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
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[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea