-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
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Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day