Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
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Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
#Caturday
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.