Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
You Might Also Like
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
A friend helps you before you need it
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.