They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
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Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that