Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
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“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think