The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
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Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*