my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Bike for sale