90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
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Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Beware of fowl play.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”