velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
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Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Tastes like chicken.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Hot Hot Hot
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.