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My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night