My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
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the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.