See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
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🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.